Skip to main content

Scared of losing myself!


The thing I am scared of losing the most is me!

I know, I know the first reaction of anyone reading this or hearing this would be that I am crazy and how can someone lose herself?
But we can lose ourselves, 
Sometimes partially, sometimes completely.

The thought of losing myself scares me the most 
Because nothing for me is partial! 
Well, this is a side effect of being an extremist! 
I live in extremes. There is no gray! It is either black or white! 
It is either with me or without me!

We often lose ourselves in loving others! 
Here, "the other" can refer to family, friends, or even the love of your life!
We love so intensely that we offer ourselves completely, 
Or, I should say we try to win the other person by giving everything we have!
But does it work? 
No!
It does not work at all!
And instead of winning their love or attention or even some space in their thoughts,
We end up losing ourselves!
We are so busy proving our love to them that we forget that we need love too.

It is a scary thing because when you lose something that nobody has ever seen, 
How are you going to find it?? 
Sometimes, we lose ourselves even before we find ourselves.
Now, imagine how scary that would be!
When even you don't know what you lost!
And you can never get that back again,
Because even if you try, you won't know what you are looking for!

Maybe it is not as scary to you as it is to me,
Because to me, it is the scariest thing in the world!
Because everybody loves me for the versions they think of me!
The moment I show even the tiniest piece of me, they get hurt,
Because that piece is different from their expectations of me!
And in the fear of losing the love of people around me,
I hide my pieces somewhere.
and due to the stress of it,
I think I am gradually forgetting all the places I have hidden my pieces!
Hence, I am scared of losing myself,
As not even a single other person knows about that hidden person!

Maybe I am insane! Maybe I am losing my mind!
Or maybe I am right and am actually losing myself!






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Am I Beautiful?

A journey from doubt to self-acceptance, and the realization that beauty was never skin-deep. No One Ever Told Me I Was Beautiful—and, unfortunately, I believed them. For as long as I can remember, I chased beauty without knowing what it truly looked like. From the time I could understand the language as a child, I was hit with the most common “joke” in Indian households: "You’re not really our sibling—your parents picked you up from the trash, or outside a temple." Even as a kid, I wondered: If this were even remotely true, why is it funny? It was hurtful. And it came from those closest to me—my own siblings. The joke settled in my mind like a stone. I kept asking my brother why he said it. What proof did he have? Then came another blow: "Your complexion is darker than ours." He said it gently, like it was a fact. Maybe he didn’t know how it would eat away at my self-esteem. But that was my entry into the world of inferiority complexes. When I would get ready...
1 comment
Read more

Empty herself, still decides to pour..

 A woman (a married woman, a mother), empty herself, still decides to pour,  and yet, everytime she pours, she is expected to do a little bit more... Everyday she wakes up  with a new energy, new smile,  To let the sunshine and fresh air in the house, she opens all the windows and doors, with the hope that may betoda, someone will acknowledge her importance, appreciate her efforts or may be just adore? But, everytime she decides to pour, she is expected to do, just a little bit more... The moment she thinks of filling her own cup, She remembers that the house till needs tidyin up, The baby needs to be fed, its been too late since she is up... Her cup stares at her from the corner, She smiles and asks it to wait again.. He leave for his office,  she still need to rush and rush  so that she can get some time to at least check her emails. If.. oh if the baby decides to take nap, after an hour long efforts, rocking, singing, patting... If the baby sleeps, she r...
Post a Comment
Read more

Motherhood: a beautiful chaos of feelings!

Being a first-time mom, this is what I feel motherhood is— a beautiful chaos of feelings!!  One might ask, why do I call it a chaos of feelings? Well, what would you call it when you feel fear, stress, anxiety, happiness, peace, gratitude, pain, love, strength, and weakness — all at the same time? Exactly. A chaos of feelings it is! Motherhood is a phase in a woman’s life that nothing can truly prepare you for. Books, advice from elders, and classes — they help, yes. But when you finally hold your baby in your arms for the first time, it’s like the entire world shifts. Well, in my case it turned upside down :). As a first-time mom, I entered a world filled with love, fear, joy, exhaustion, and a kind of strength I never knew I had. Motherhood is a beautiful journey, only if you have people to take care of you and love you. Otherwise, we all have heard what post-partum depression is, and it is real, trust me.  During my third trimester, whenever I panicked about the pain, the...
6 comments
Read more